Hey mom
It’s almost my birthday
I’m sure you know that if your soul is somewhere like heaven
I like to think that you’re somewhere that isn’t bothered by keeping track of time, so you dont know that it’s almost my birthday or that I’m almost 28. Which means it’s been almost 11 years since I last saw you.
Dying a month after my birthday was rude. But I dont think I would’ve preferred any other date. Dying in general was rude. Leaving me here, all alone, to celebrate these half-birthdays by myself.
You would beeeeee. 60 1/2. With a 28-year-old daughter.
I hate that you didn’t get to be 50.
I hate that you’re going to miss all of my 20s.
I’m going to Florida for my birthday. To see Cassy and Lisa and the babies. I guess they’re not babies anymore, but they’ll always be my babies. I know you would understand that.
Every time Lisa and I are alone with the kids, she finds a way to slip in
God, your mom would just love these girls
And you would.
Lisa and I have these unspoken conversations with our eyes where she tells me she misses you and she wishes you were here, but also knows I wouldn’t be what I am if you were, and I give her a sad smile that says I get it. And I’m sorry she lost her best friend.
I love the girls so much it burns. I have nightmares about not getting enough time with them, the way I didn’t get enough time with you. The way you didn’t get enough time with me. Part of me knows it would be selfish to have my own kids because I would never love them as much as I love them, and Cassy says that’s not true. That I’ll get it when I have kids of my own.
I think it would kill me to love something more.
Is that how you felt about me?
Is that why I feel so lonely without you here?
I lost the one person who loved me so much it could’ve killed them.
There isn’t a poetic way to say that I need my mom here.
I miss celebrating birthdays with you. I miss Lisa having her best friend.
11 years without you. However many more to go.
I dont know if you’ll be at whatever bright light on the other side, but is it wrong that I’ve used a couple birthday wishes on it?
Happy birthday to me. I wish that I’ll see my mom again one day.
I wish that she’s at peace wherever she is.